Pastor's Page
By Fr. George Welzbacher
June 8, 2008
   Now that rumor has it that summer is near and therewith a time for celebration may I share with you in a light-hearted mood an e-mail that my friend Father John Zuhlsdorf sent to me just a few days ago. Father Zuhlsdorf, a computer "whiz" of many years standing and currently the most widely consulted Catholic news blogger in the English-speaking world-he is also a patristic scholar and the author of  The Wanderer's popular column "What Does the Prayer Really Say"-has been urging me for quite some time actually to enter the twenty-first century by leaming how to use a computer. I own a computer but it intimidates me, and so it sits unused. To prod me into rolling up my sleeves and leaming at last how to avail myself of so astonishingly productive a research tool he sent me the following fantasy (not his own composition) in which two famous comedians of the mid-twentieth century engage proleptically the world of the computer. Here it is.

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Costello Calls To Buy a Computer from Abbott

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: O.K. What did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows!
COSTELLO: O.K.  Let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?
COSELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START...'

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HAVE A GOOD SUMMER! (I think we deserve it!)